Listening

I was a passenger on my horse. We'd go off down the road with other people on other horses and she'd follow along, willing to be part of the excursion. Every once in awhile she'd spook, jumping at some real or imagined threat. I'd stay on, thinking, this isn't too bad. I can manage this.

It started to occur to me that I had no control over her. I'd had her for 3-4 months. So far she was willing, and it was fortunate that she, more or less, wanted to do what I wanted to do. If there were battles, they were minor, and I always lost. For example, if I wanted her to turn and go down that trail that led away from home, she'd just stop. "No thank you," she politely said. She would only go when the other horses went that way, and then she'd follow. Certainly not because I was asking her to -- and absolutely not because I was telling her to...because I wasn't telling her anything.

That wasn't particularly awful behavior in horse world. It's fairly typical. Some days she'd be a little more argumentative. Depending on personality, experience, and temperament, they will, to varying degrees, be the leader of the two of you if you are not up to the task. Their leadership can come (if you've abdicated the role, knowingly or unknowingly) in the form of stubborness, bucking, rearing, bolting -- all undesirable behavior that has different levels of danger and safety risks. Unfortunately, lack of leadership and its resulting behaviors tend to escalate.

The bottom line is that a horse willingly lets you onto its back, and does what you ask it to do, because it trusts you and wants to please you. It wants you to be its leader. I believe the Divine Creator asked Horse Spirit if it was willing to come to this world and act as our companions. Horse Spirit probably said "Are you kidding? They do not want companions. They would want slaves, and something to bully. They would want to use us in wars and work us until we drop. That's how humans see animals...not companions, but property."

Divine Creator must have done some fast talking. He/She said "But they desperately need you. Without you they will never learn to fly. They will never know the feeling of the wind in their face, or the magic that you will give them. They will be thoughtless, and cruel, and domineering. But they will one day come to see that you will make them be better human beings. You will teach them the wisdom that is Horse."

"Okay...but you know they have a hard time listening! That is because they make so much noise. We will have to teach them to be quiet, and listen." With that, Horse came to Earth. Perhaps reluctantly, but they came.

So, apparently, I was not listening to Autumn. She had to teach me how. One day coming home on a ride it was rather windy and cool. We were coming up a hill towards home and WHOOSH! Before I knew it, I'd flown off and had landed on my backside in a little bush. My first thought was "Well, so that's what it feels like to fall off a horse." My second thought was "I'm so glad my feet came out of my stirrups."

What had happened? I don't know. A stray sound, or smell or something spooked her. Me going off of her probably scared her as much as it did me. She stood there looking at me like "What are you doing down there?" At times like this you are supposed to get back on that horse. Cowgirl up!!!! I did not. I walked home, leading her. I did get back on once we were home. Briefly.

In one short moment my horse life changed. I'd gone from being a naive passenger, to realizing that I had to learn how to actually ride this horse. My baby steps, which I thought I'd been taking, just got smaller. Something new had entered the equation: fear.

How was I going to keep going and learn how to conquer the paralyzing knot in my stomach? Did I want to? Could I imagine not trying? The physical ouch was not nearly so great as the mental one.

What do I do now? She'd given me a message, loud and clear. I heard it. What I heard was "Now are you willing to be the leader?" "Because if you aren't, we're both in trouble."

Can you be a leader if you're afraid?