The Relationship

You know that thing, where couples start to look like each other? Or, dog owners and their dogs bear a striking resemblance? Do we start to morph into the others in our lives, or are we drawn to those that are similar to us in the first place? My cats and I do all have grey hair. They've given me mine.

Maybe it's both, with us naturally seeking out what is most comfortable and relatable to us...which is namely, us! Then, over time, the edges blur and we become more and more alike in our visage.

Considering that, how am I like a small, spotted horse? For I was surely drawn to her, feeling there was some commonality, some thread of similarity, some connection...some spark! Just like a budding romance, I looked into those big beautiful eyes of hers and fell in love. Sigh...

Oh, the times we fall in love, only later to discover how WRONG it was. We kick ourselves to the curb long after it's been done to us, or after we've done it to the so-and-so who broke our hearts. How stupid! How could I have been so wrong? What was I thinking??!!

Been there, right? We let that gleeful spark of recognition, the one that draws us to the perfect mate (oh, he was just so cute...nice...talented...rich...fill in the blank), lure us in and then we start to find those hidden "assets" of this potential partner.

So it is in the horse world as well. We fall in love. Maybe that's more of a woman thing, too. When men go horse shopping, do they fall in love, I wonder? Or are they looking for the equivalent of a mid-life-crisis sports car and a beautiful blonde? Maybe they are completely sensible and get that horse that is the perfect match...and then fall in love with it later.

I don't know. But the women I've come to know in the horse world all fell in love, at least at some point. Sometimes with disastrous results. Some are able to let go, acknowledge it was a mistake, and find another love of their life. Some approach it with "I've been burned before, and I'm not doing that again," trying to be completely sensible. Some have bought the high heels; now it's time for sensible shoes. Others are going to wear those high heels, dammit.

Others fell in love with what appeared, to the cynical observer, to be the completely wrong horse...only to discover that it was indeed the right one after all. I have participated in, and overheard, many discussions about what's wrong with someone else's horse and the relationship it has with the rider. Likewise, I'm sure I've been the subject of many of those discussions.

Initially, I was sooooo sensitive about this stuff. It was embarrassing. It annoyed me. It hurt my feelings. It made me feel wrong and stupid. And stubborn.

Over time, I've come to see that this discussion of other people and their horses is all part of the sorting out process of each person and their own beast. You sort of get "permission" to have these conversations because you've earned them. You have been where this other poor dope is -- and may very well still be there, yourself.

In all the talking, you are plugging yourself into the equation and thinking "Well, at least I don't have that problem." Or, "At least she doesn't do that any more." Kind of like how we feel when we watch idiots behaving badly on reality shows: at least we're not that bad!! Some sense of smugness and relief are part of the picture.

In all relationships, the goal is to be drawn to that potential, and then with experience and time and hard work, that potential gives way to the reality of pleasure. It can become so much more than you imagined, or what was so promising. After many hours of getting to know each other, trust each other, make mistakes with each other, having fun with each other, you finally have built the foundation for...MAGIC.

Magic can happen early and along the way, too. It's a good thing it does, or we'd give up on the whole thing. But the magic that comes from knowing, from allowing that other one inside your heart and mind, from being vulnerable and strong at the same time...well, that's the true reward.

My little spotted wonder horse didn't seem too magical. Especially when I was on the ground looking up at her. At those times, when I was thinking I was way too old for this, that maybe this relationship wouldn't work, and that maybe I'd have to try this with a new partner, there was darned little magic in the bruises I would have.

I was advised "Get rid of her. There's a lot of other horses out there." Or, more gently, "You know, Martha, she might not be right for you." Or, the usual "We just don't want to see you get hurt." "Worse."

Oh, the sleepless nights. Oh, the tough decisions. Oh, the torment. How could this be so wrong when it had felt so right?

I was always worried about what she was going to do next. So far, nothing she had done had either killed me or scared me off completely. But what else did she have that she hadn't yet revealed? What horsey tricks was she capable of? Was she plotting against me? And when would it happen? This is not fun.

Gayla rode my spotted wonder horse. I could see her thinking, hmmm. Then she told me, "Well, she doesn't do this. She doesn't do that. What she does is this."

Somehow, having a framework, a scope of the problem, was the solution. Knowing what she would and would not do became doable. Gayla never said Autumn was not the horse for me. I knew she would let me come to that decision, myself. She did tell me, however, that it was going to take time. A lot of time.

Good thing I didn't know what I didn't know. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss. Time, I could give. Someone very generously told me that it will just keep getting better. Which has been true. There may be setbacks along the way -- lots of them -- but by and large, it gets better and better. Just like any relationship worth fighting for.

I took inventory of what I did know. My gut instinct told me she was a kind horse, very willing, very smart and with good manners. She wasn't shoving me around on the ground. She was polite and sweet. She just had moments of behaving like a hooligan. Also, when I remembered to breathe and relax and enjoy the ride, she was so much fun!

She was interested in going places. And, she got us there quickly and smoothly. She was a pleasure. That was the magic along the way.

So, I figured there was only one thing to do. I had to learn how to ride my horse.